The Rise of Humankind
There was a time, not so long ago, when I would get out of bed in a single subconscious/semi-unconscious motion. Like a toaster waffle, springing up when ready. A quick contortion and I was upright. No strategizing required.
These days are different. The issue is not the desire to get up. The issue is the getting. The moving from horizontal to vertical with enough speed to avoid an unceremonious outcome.
The problem is my core has quietly retired. The abs, once at least semi-dependable, have taken Social Security, cashed out the 401(k), and moved to Scottsdale leaving no forwarding address. Which means that what once was a sit-up is now… a project.
I’ve developed a technique that works for me. I call it Knees First – patent pending, naturally. I share it with you now. Consult with a medical professional before proceeding to see if Knees First is right for you. Do not do Knees First if you are allergic to Knees First.
Step one: Roll to one side (the side you have designated as your desired landing zone).
Step two: Pull your knees up together to the side of the bed.
Step three: This is where the magic happens. In younger days, all I had to do was push my torso up with my elbows while lowering my feet to the floor. But these days my arms have lost the strength to push my ever-so-not-slender torso up, not to mention my pesky shoulder issue that makes that pivot a long shot? Precious seconds lost that can make a big difference in how my day is going to go.
The magical pivot from younger days to today is this: lock my knees together as a unit, pull them toward me until they start to dangle over the edge, then let gravity do its thing as the knees fall to the landing zone, pulling my torso upright until I am safely on the floor.
Step four: When the spinning room slows to a manageable speed, I lift myself up a leg at a time to a standing position. Still a bit of work, but serviceable.
Step five: Do a celebratory dance or a grab a cane and do a softshoe to the bathroom (video on those options pending) (jk).
Side Bonus: When you land on your knees, depending on your religious perspective, current level of Act III woes, and bladder urgency, this may be a moment for a quick prayer, some meditation, or simply a gasp of gratitude that you have landed safely topside to see what adventures today brings because you got out of bed.
A Fine Whine
Knees First is not graceful, but it’s honest. It’s not fast, but it gets the job done. And in life’s Act III, isn’t that what we’re hopefully learning? That we must be humble enough to trade elegance for effectiveness, and plans for pivots?
More and more, I’m reminded:
Pray first.
Act second.
Knees first.
Feet to follow.
There’s art in this. And dignity. And maybe even a diagram at no extra charge.